When I'm not there

Being a parent is hard, especially when I forget about God (which I often do). When I forget about God, I become the god of my daughter. I am the controller of her world. If I can’t swoop in and save her on a consistent basis - what might happen??

But then I remember (often far after my dad-god complex has made an entire mess of things) that there is a God (like, THE God) who loves Rory infinitely more than I or her mother does (which is hard for me to imagine).

This God is present with her when her mom and I are not. God is speaking to Rory’s heart when she’s sleeping; when she’s in her room alone drawing flowers, clouds, and unicorns; when she’s taking a bath badly singing songs from the Frozen II Soundtrack; and when she’s daydreaming.

I have to know that God is present to her among the cracks of her day when she’s really listening (and she doesn’t even know it). This so often happens when the intense scrutiny of her parents isn’t bearing down on her. 

I pray that I remember this holy relationship between Rory and God more often. I pray that my fatherly burdens can be lightened knowing that it’s not just me and her mom who have a say in her life. Because I know there will be (and has been) plenty of times when we’ll let her down. When we won’t be able to love her enough. And in those moments, I pray that she is at least aware of a Love that swoops in with bigger hands and a softer heart than I have. May this faith allow me to drop my urge to control and manipulate knowing that God is at work in and through her life.

Maybe then, I can relax enough to momentarily stop trying to play God in her life. Maybe then I can just be her dad. And maybe that’s plenty.

Amen.

Grace & Godspeed,
Jonas