Jonas! I have to let you know how much you have helped me realign my learned version of God. I grew up Catholic with a God who was always watching to "catch me in sin". My connection to the church was tenuous at best and hateful at worst.
As I grew into my own thoughts, I started viewing everything through a feminism lens therefore, Catholics were the enemy (for MANY reasons). I looked into every facet of Paganism I could because I knew there was something "out there" and I really wanted to be connected to something (home life was awful). When I was married and thinking about having kids, I felt strongly about providing them with a belief in "something greater than themselves" growing up - even if it was only to provide a platform for them to reject later in life. At least they would have a stability in their early lives. I just didn't want it to be the "religion" I grew up in.
Around this time I had charismatic Christians friends and grew intrigued with how their services were about joy and love and connection. I joined the church "for my kids" feeling like I missed my chance at connection. Basically I sat in the back of the room and cried the whole service for weeks. I am not unlovable - what a concept! My Sundays were spent all day at the church taking my young kids to their individual services and doing as much as I could to immerse myself into helping others (I was divorced by this time). Our pastor was fantastic - he brought the bible to life for me, providing the context of what things meant at the time they were written. Jesus was real for me finally. But I was having trouble with the our-way-is-the-only-way to God format.
Once it became just me attending the church (both kids at colleges), I started feeling the old "this is judging and excluding" vibe strongly. I had joined this church which was a recent transplant where services were held in a converted business space where you "knew" just about everybody. It steadily grew (as it does) into a new building with a stadium worship area (in six years). I lost the connections I had without my children tethers and was feeling more and more distant from their concept of God and the "hate the sin/love the sinner" philosophy. Daddy issues and white males telling me what to do with my body was making it impossible for me to pray to a white male God. I felt the white male dominating society in the old Testament created a God in THEIR image, not the other way around. But I couldn't come up with a female version or a "nebulas energy" I felt comfortable talking to.
Then I found you, back when you were just starting to share your faith journey and you resonated with me with your non-church theology. I must say I was right with you when you moved to the new "prosperity based" church in Chicago, and fell away from it right about the time you did. lol When you went legit Christian, I was disappointed, but stayed with you because I have a trust in your journey. (insert shrugging shoulders emoji here). I am so glad that I did, because you have brought me back to JESUS as the one can I pray to because he is THE trinity of all the things I was grasping for and he is the example of how we should be when we're "in God".
I don't pray "for" things to happen, I pray for help in dealing with things THAT happen - thankful for the easy and patient with the hard. I accept whatever concepts humans feel they need to be to feel authentic, because we do not live in a static universe - all things have a need evolve to survive - what refuses to, dies off. As long as you don't believe your way is the only way, and it is in no way harmful to others, I accept you and all your differences. God is the constant in this evolution.
This article has sealed the deal for me. I'm tearing up as I type this because I am so grateful for your words in my life. You have helped me make sense of my jumbled thoughts on faith in MY journey to God.
And this turned into my "testimony" more than my comment and I'm not sorry. ;)
Debbie, you got me crying too! Gaaah! Thank you so much for these words. I really needed this because I'm often haunted by the feeling that I betrayed my subscribers by going full-on Christian. Your testimony is the wind behind my sails right now. Many thanks to you. Looking forward to sharing more of this journey. Do keep in touch.
Jonas! I have to let you know how much you have helped me realign my learned version of God. I grew up Catholic with a God who was always watching to "catch me in sin". My connection to the church was tenuous at best and hateful at worst.
As I grew into my own thoughts, I started viewing everything through a feminism lens therefore, Catholics were the enemy (for MANY reasons). I looked into every facet of Paganism I could because I knew there was something "out there" and I really wanted to be connected to something (home life was awful). When I was married and thinking about having kids, I felt strongly about providing them with a belief in "something greater than themselves" growing up - even if it was only to provide a platform for them to reject later in life. At least they would have a stability in their early lives. I just didn't want it to be the "religion" I grew up in.
Around this time I had charismatic Christians friends and grew intrigued with how their services were about joy and love and connection. I joined the church "for my kids" feeling like I missed my chance at connection. Basically I sat in the back of the room and cried the whole service for weeks. I am not unlovable - what a concept! My Sundays were spent all day at the church taking my young kids to their individual services and doing as much as I could to immerse myself into helping others (I was divorced by this time). Our pastor was fantastic - he brought the bible to life for me, providing the context of what things meant at the time they were written. Jesus was real for me finally. But I was having trouble with the our-way-is-the-only-way to God format.
Once it became just me attending the church (both kids at colleges), I started feeling the old "this is judging and excluding" vibe strongly. I had joined this church which was a recent transplant where services were held in a converted business space where you "knew" just about everybody. It steadily grew (as it does) into a new building with a stadium worship area (in six years). I lost the connections I had without my children tethers and was feeling more and more distant from their concept of God and the "hate the sin/love the sinner" philosophy. Daddy issues and white males telling me what to do with my body was making it impossible for me to pray to a white male God. I felt the white male dominating society in the old Testament created a God in THEIR image, not the other way around. But I couldn't come up with a female version or a "nebulas energy" I felt comfortable talking to.
Then I found you, back when you were just starting to share your faith journey and you resonated with me with your non-church theology. I must say I was right with you when you moved to the new "prosperity based" church in Chicago, and fell away from it right about the time you did. lol When you went legit Christian, I was disappointed, but stayed with you because I have a trust in your journey. (insert shrugging shoulders emoji here). I am so glad that I did, because you have brought me back to JESUS as the one can I pray to because he is THE trinity of all the things I was grasping for and he is the example of how we should be when we're "in God".
I don't pray "for" things to happen, I pray for help in dealing with things THAT happen - thankful for the easy and patient with the hard. I accept whatever concepts humans feel they need to be to feel authentic, because we do not live in a static universe - all things have a need evolve to survive - what refuses to, dies off. As long as you don't believe your way is the only way, and it is in no way harmful to others, I accept you and all your differences. God is the constant in this evolution.
This article has sealed the deal for me. I'm tearing up as I type this because I am so grateful for your words in my life. You have helped me make sense of my jumbled thoughts on faith in MY journey to God.
And this turned into my "testimony" more than my comment and I'm not sorry. ;)
Peace,
Debbie
Debbie, you got me crying too! Gaaah! Thank you so much for these words. I really needed this because I'm often haunted by the feeling that I betrayed my subscribers by going full-on Christian. Your testimony is the wind behind my sails right now. Many thanks to you. Looking forward to sharing more of this journey. Do keep in touch.