On my Apple devices (I’m sure other brands of digital devices have a similar function), every day, a new slideshow of past photos and videos shows up. I have no idea how the Apple bot curates these slideshows, but it does a great job. It even sets them to music that perfectly fits the vibe, etc.
Well, the one that it displayed the other day was of my daughter Rory from four years ago (not the one I included with this post above). She was four years old at the time.
It’s striking, especially in their younger years, how drastically they change in such short of a time span. Her face was so babyish and her voice so squeaky and cute. She still has hints of these characteristics, but they’re fading into her maturity.
Well, this really hit me and I started… Bawling. It was like an inner ache that was just waiting for the right moment to express.
As joyful as it is to be a parent, I’ve come to know this… Being a parent also means being in a continual state of guilt, regret, longing, and sadness. When I watched that slideshow, I started realizing how distracted I was when she was that age. I remembered how frustrated I’d get with her just because she was being a kid. And I felt so sad that she’ll never be that young again.
I wanted a do-over. And there’s no way that’s happening.
Being a parent is hard work. No, let me restate. It’s impossible work. As new parents, we’re expected to master the most emotionally trying and exhausting job in the world on day one. And from there on out, we’d better not mess it up. This is the standard our world sets for us. It’s the standard we set for ourselves. And it’s totally unrealistic. (Yes, dads fall into this too.)
I’ve been a parent for a mere 8 years. Settling into this role takes time. And the mission is always changing because the human(s) we’re raising are continually growing and developing at breakneck speed. The kid we just got used to dealing with yesterday - new synapses in her brain have just formed and she’s now a totally different person. Good luck!
This job is impossible. And that’s okay.
Dear parent, if you’re reading this, may you know that grace abounds. The expectations for you in our performative world are unfair and impossible.
But also know this... God uses all of the times we’ve fallen short of our perfect parental ideal for God’s good work. God works with our imperfections because it’s the only thing God has to work with. It’s a damn good thing that I am not my daughter’s God. I need just as much shepherding as she does along the way.
Parents, may we all stop every now and then to remember how astoundingly forgiven we are and how much mercy is at hand in this role. May we realize how great it is that God can use our mistakes and foibles to shape our kids and even deepen our connection with them when we’re honest about the impossibility of our lot while being starkly aware of the goodness of our God.
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